So it wasn't quite like we would have imagined it a couple of months ago, but the kids got back to school this week with Zack starting his last year at Ohlone and Sam starting his junior year.  A milestone week for our family; one that I think we're all proud of.  It's good to have new beginnings, even when they're full of unknowns and uncertainties.

We all keep learning a lot from Sam, who's navigating all the changes with amazing calm and evenness and grace. He started US History and AP Lang this week; we'll get working on Pre-Calc and (hopefully) AP Chinese next week; Physics will start right after Labor Day.

At the moment, Sam & Kathy are at a park in Palo Alto at the 11th grade pizza party -- it's his first real time back with his class generally -- it's a bit of normalcy that I hope is really good for him.

Other than the school stuff, this has been a pretty quiet week, as Sam's in a period with no chemo waiting for his marrow to recover so we can move to the next procedure. He's had more energy and enthusiasm -- got to the pool a couple of times, got lunch out, played Minecraft with Zack, saw some friends. Really good and positive.

It's hard to describe what life is like since Sam's diagnosis -- partly because it changes so much day to day. But mostly because it is such a constant whiplash of contrasts: normal/not normal, slow days/hyper busy days, public/private, hope/worry, data/no data. The main emotion might be the pervasive sense of uncertainty. Uncertainty about what's next, what the numbers will be, what they mean, how Sam will feel, how we'll feel, how Zack will process, and on and on. The insight, I suppose is this: life is always uncertain, for all of us -- who knows what tomorrow will bring? -- but most of the time we can pretend that the future is stable and knowable. 

Last night I spent a little time looking for blogs from parents who have been through situations like this -- there aren't all that many, but it's helping a lot to read themes and notes from others. I found one paper, too, that's an analysis of the themes in these "parent blogs" and this line from the conclusion has really resonated with me:

"The thematic categories found in these parent blogs suggest that a quest for “balance” becomes a significant preoccupation during the childhood cancer experience. Repeatedly in the blogs, parents record the search for equilibrium between uncertainty/uncertainty management; stress/stress management; burdens/gifts; change/constants; and public/private life.

That all seems very true to me. It's a journey for us to learn how to find a balance that can work, while we navigate through the dark. This has been a really good week for that, and a good start for whatever's next.